Recasting Lost
I’m jumping on the Lost bandwagon about 5 seasons too late. In a nutshell, I find it both emotionally manipulative and compelling, but that’s besides the point. I am 3 episodes into the first season and am having the hardest time not expecting to see Luke Wilson every time the camera pans to Jack. So I’ve decided to recast the first 3 episodes using famous movie stars.
(This coincidentally coincides with “doppleganger week” on Facebook – a bandwagon I have not jumped on.)
Jack
(Original: Matthew Fox, Replacement: Luke Wilson)
Kate
(Original: Evangeline Lilly, Replacement: Catherine Zeta Jones)
Sawyer
(Original: Josh Holloway, Replacement: Billy Ray Cyrus)
Claire
(Original: Emilie de Ravin, Replacement: Amanda Seyfried)
Boone
(Original: Ian S… , Replacement: Eric McCormack, but not so smiley)
Shannon
(Originally: Maggie Grace, Replacement: Leslie Bibb)
Some notable characters I obviously ignored. Locke, for example, I left out because he looks pretty much like any old angry white guy with a round head (I did do a search for Major Dad, however, but too much mustache). There’s a shortage of minority actors out there, so I couldn’t think of any celebrity look-a-like for Sayid. Charlie is too obviously a Hobbit, so no one else came to mind.
Buddhism > Kaballah
Back when dating Madonna was so cool even A-Rod did it, he adopted her religious trend-du-jour Kaballah. This was in 2008.
The 2008 American League champions: Tampa Bay Rays. In fact, the Yankees didn’t even make it to the postseason.
Now it’s 2009 and apparently dating Kate Hudson is in. So naturally, now A-Rod is a Buddhist.
As I write this, the Yankees are up 3-2 in the ALCS. But regardless of the outcome, A-Rod has had one hell of a postseason.
Based on this, I can only draw one conclusion: Buddhism is a greater sports force than Kaballah. Take that, Madonna.
Disney’s “Aladdin” – 17 years later
Disney released Aladdin in 1992, which puts me at age 7 at the time of release. For months after, my friend and I reenacted the movie – particularly the songs (which won Oscars). To this day, I know all the words. And the movie still holds up – the audience cares about the characters and there’s all that typical Disney build up. The villain is strong and scary, and accompanied by a Gilbert Godfried-voiced parrot named for a character from Othello. Some advanced stuff here.
However, maybe I shouldn’t rewatch movies like this. There are some huge plot holes or moves by characters that just make you go “WHAA?!!?!”
For example, when Aladdin and Abu are down in the Cave of Wonders – with the specific instruction to “touch nothing but the lamp” – they touch the magic carpet. And this is okay? On the other hand, I guess the carpet touches them, and Aladdin doesn’t take it for a spin until the cave is collapsing; so I guess I’ll let this one slide.
Why does the Sultan only have one advisor? That’s like Congress only being one person. And yes, I get that it’s a monarchy and the whole “checks and balances” thing doesn’t really apply, but it still strikes me as impractical and unrealistic. But I’m admittedly being pretty nitpicky, so I’ll let that slide too.
Aladdin wishes for the Genie to “make me a prince!” It is not “give me a makeover!” When Jafar wishes to be a genie, he gets turned into one. Had Aladdin’s wish actually been granted, he’d have a real kingdom instead of just “75 golden camels”, etc. for show. What’s up with the inconsistency of wish granting? It seems Aladdin got seriously cheated.
At the very end, when Jafar has been defeated by Aladdin’s cunning, Aladdin remains with one wish. Being the “diamond in the rough” he fulfills his promise and frees the Genie with his last wish, sacrificing a wish that could have potentially brought him and Jasmine together.
Obviously the lamp can be passed between people before the 3 wishes are up. Why not just hand the lamp to Jasmine and have her wish for something. Or shit, 3 things? They seem to have similar goals here.
Finally – and this is a real cop out on the part of the writers – at the very end, after the Genie has been freed, and everyone is lamenting that Aladdin and Jasmine can’t be together because of the “must be married to a prince” law, the Sultan has an epiphany: “Am I sultan or am I sultan?!” and simply just changes the law. You mean he could have done that the whole time?! It renders the entire movie totally moot.
Shaq vs. (why didn’t I know this existed?)
Um, yeah, so that’s what Shaq looks like in a Speedo, in case you were wondering.
Apparently the other episodes this season were:
Shaq vs. Ben Roethlisberger
Shaq vs. Misty & Kerri
Shaq vs. Albert Pujols
Shaq vs. Oscar de la Hoya
And last night’s Shaq vs. Michael Phelps
Here are my suggestions for Season 2
Shaq vs. Luc Robitaille
Shaq vs. the free throw line
Shaq vs. Chuck Norris
Shaq vs. Godzilla
Shaq vs. Steven Seagal
Shaq vs. James Lipton
Shaq vs. the Jonas Brothers
Shaq vs. 50 Cent (rapping or getting shot, either or)
Shaq vs. Plácido Domingo
Shaq vs. Bobby Flay
Shaq vs. David Blaine
trailer for upcoming art house masterpiece “Immortal Delicious”
-guilty parties-
Sandy Murray – Director and Writer
Myself – Writer
Dixon as Himself
Mary as Herself
Mike as Himself
Stephen as Lord Sugarplums the Third.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the mystery of life…
If there is one group of people asking to be thrown up against a wall and riddled with high caliber ammunition, it’s guys who carry their acoustic guitars everywhere.
Like modern day Troubadours with only tales of themselves to sing, they have spread across the land. Sitting down to enjoy a cup of joe and a conversation with a friend at your favorite coffee shop? Fuck that, they’ve got something better. Whatever you two were about to discuss couldn’t possibly measure up to their unsolicited musings on life.
Quickly, say whatever you have to say while he clumsily tunes his guitar. Nooo it’s too late, he’s started strumming the thing!
Really though, where do you get off complaining? You’re just another working class drone, slaving away in an office for the beneift of the man. You could never conjour up the same cogent analysis of the short comings of our society that the uninvited musican delivers with every passing note. He merely wants to enhance that dinner with friends you were already looking forward to after your 10 hour day of work and college courses with a little bit of his home made sonic flavoring. So what if it sounds like a go-kart running over rabbits, this is art we’re talking about here!
Been in love? Yes? Well have you written a song about it? I didn’t think so. Whatever it is you’ve done, he’s done it harder. Anything you’ve felt, he’s felt on a deeper and more urgent level. Having a little trouble keeping up with the universal language that is music? Well relax and let him teach you a few lessons up and down the fretboard.
What’s that? You want him to shut the fuck up so you can get back to conversation with your friend? How dare you! This is his art, his heart, and indeed his very soul. Your free time is but a trifle before the spiritual experience you’re about to be a part of. Why, it isn’t like there are millions of these guys just walking around sharing their music to the unwilling and willing a like, don’t be silly!
Oh, and did I mention he’s quite the harmonica prodigy as well?
Boat Dwellers
I’m spending Labor Day weekend on a boat. Boats are pretty awesome for recreation, and totally make great vacation spots for limited periods of time – especially if you’re with T-Pain.
But what about people who opt to live on a boat? These people have a whole blog about it. I had to hit the “page down” button seven times just to get through the most recent post about having a baby on a boat. Apparently living on a boat offers a shit-ton of free time.
These trends aren’t as likely to be noticed if you don’t live in a coastal or lake-centric community; but I do, so here are my observations.
In my experiences between the time I was old enough to drive and into my early 20’s, I’ve noticed a specific trend among people – dudes in particular – who live on boats: they’re lurpy losers. These are guys who have somehow inherited worn out boats, but can’t afford an apartment and no one likes them enough to be their roommate. They invite their buddies over on weeknights (because none of them have real jobs) and they entice underage girls to show up under the pretense that Smirnoff Ice will be served.
In addition to my anecdotal evidence, there are plenty pop-culture nods to these aquatic sleezeballs.
Leon Phelps, The Ladies Man
Famous for his appreciation of Courvoisier and kinky sex advice, I’d definitely listen to his late-night radio program. However, the rotating bed and zebra-print linens on his houseboat are quite the turn off.
Steve Zissou, Captain, The Belafonte
When a very pregnant reporter comes on board, professing that she grew up with Zissou as her hero, Steve tells his B-squad captain, “Not this one, Klaus” essentially claiming a pregnant woman young enough to be his daughter as his next conquest.
Gob Bluth, President (in title only), The Bluth Company
Classics like “A magician never reveals his… I SUNK IT! I SUNK THE YACHT!” and using topless girls as misdirection in his magic tricks make Gob far from the ideal boating candidate. He also thinks Portugal is in South America, so there go his navigation skills.
Pirates
They may be good-looking and ethnically diverse, but common sense should tell you to steer clear of those whose Facebook interests would likely include raping, pillaging, and plundering.
The Navy
‘Nuff said.
Segs for Vets
Twice a week, I drive to Long Beach. Apparently, every Monday afternoon, so does a representative of Segs 4 Vets. This is an organization that claims their goal is to help disabled veterans, and I totally and unconditionally support that. Looking at the website now, it seems like a much more legitimate organization than this wingnut would have you believe, driving around in this vehicle:
The side panel says “6 Reasons Why America’s Free: Army, Navy, Air Force, Coast Guard, National Guard, Marines”. Which begs the question: in that order?
I should also add that I took this photo from my car, in traffic on the 405. And in addition to all this patriotic militaristic paraphernalia, this little pick up was blasting ”Stars and Stripes Forever”. (Which to this day, still makes me hum “be kind to your web footed friends…”)
So at first, I found this pretty harmless. Despite the blind nationalism I typically find kind of scary, this was plain ridiculous – especially with the music. Regardless, if I were an activist associated with Segs 4 Vets, I’d be okay with this dude driving around bringing us publicity.
However, recently, I’ve started to see a similar vehicle in the same area, so I can only assume it’s the same guy.
The text here says:
Beware. I am a domestic terrorist by definition of government beaurocrats[sic]. I love America, the Constitution & Flag. I hate the liberal, socialist agenda. I am vocal about corruption and treason. I want real americans to [??]. I own guns and ammo [??]. Call Homeland In-Security [??] Or the president’s hotline.
The president has a hotline?! And what actually caught my attention at first, was the misspelling of bureaucrats.
Anyway, this is fear-mongering at its finest. ”The liberal, socialist agenda”? Threatening with guns and ammo? Saying that the administration will call you a “domestic terrorist” because you simply disagree with them? I’m no political scientist, but I’m pretty sure that’s not true.
Maybe he’s a terrorist because he has a muppet with a fake gun on the top of his poorly worded sign. But if this dude has actually been labeled a “domestic terrorist” by the government, I’m willing to bet that he earned that title under more severe charges than disliking liberals. Is Glenn Beck a domestic terrorist? To me personally, absolutely; but to “government bureaucrats”? Probably not.
But this is the part of blind, militaristic nationalism that scares me. Not because I actually believe he’s going to commit acts of terrorism, but because people like this exist.
And you know, if I were part of the Segs 4 Vets organization, I would be totally embarrassed by this guy. Unless he’s in, say, the Appalachians, he’s not going to garner much support in Southern California. Take me, for example. I’m liberal, but I am all in favor of getting veterans what they need – be it medical care, education, or segways. However, I’m never, ever going to donate or do anything to associate myself with an organization promoted but nutjobs like this.
And, finally, because I can’t go a post without mentioning Gob Bluth, can anyone take segways seriously in the first place?
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