Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time: Dumb
I like Nick Swardson, more or less, so when his show came on after the Colbert Report last night, I left it on.
It was dumb. And not just, like, not funny. It was like the show’s writers didn’t really know what they were talking about and didn’t bother to fact-check. I get that it’s a sketch comedy show, but for me to be correcting really stupid things that I’m not an expert on is just sloppy television.
This came up in a Google image search for "archaeologist". The guy in the sketch was wearing this same hat.
For example, they reenact the discovery of King Tut’s tomb and someone says something along the lines of, “I didn’t get into anthropology for this!”
Anthropology? I may have an advantage discerning the differences between anthropology and archaeology, having taken Anthropology 2* in college, but it only takes one viewing of Indiana Jones to be able to identify an archeologist.
Example two, which is a bit more serious: Guy goes into the Amazon and learns about voodoo.
Funny, because voodoo was brought to the Caribbean and French diaspora by West African slaves. I’m no cartographer, but I’m pretty sure the Amazon is in South America. I did, however, take a “Francophone Narrative” class in college where, oddly, I learned about this stuff. (And what the word “diaspora” means.)
Even without a Comparative Literature college minor (because why else would you take a class called Francophone Narrative?), the writing staff probably could have figured out the basics with their available resources. Like, I dunno, Google. Or Wikipedia. In fact, a Wikipedia search for “voodoo” produces these results:
Pretty sure “Amazonian Voodoo” is not an option. And it’s not like the actual people of the Amazon aren’t pretty prevalent in the news and a frequently studied group of people (hey! this is where anthropology comes in!). This would almost be racist if it weren’t so willfully ignorant and lazy.
And on top of it all, the show is boring and not funny. Sorry Nick, better luck next time.
*UC’s denote lower-division classes as single-digit numbers, instead of 100-level classes like most other schools I’m aware of.
Things That Make My Headaches Worse
For the past 3 or 4 weeks, I’ve been getting really bad, consistent headaches. I have been to the doctor, been prescribed a few different things, and nothing has worked. It’s been suggested that I need to get my eyes checked. I don’t have vision insurance, so I called Costco, and they don’t have any appointments for another month. Also, I don’t think it’s my eyes, because reading doesn’t make my headaches anymore. But here’s what does:
Staring at a computer all day
Lady Gaga
Hangovers
Loud, unpleasant noises – like lawnmowers and car alarms
My boss. Like ten times more than any other cause.
Oregon Trail
I have a confession to make. It’s honestly hard to come forward about this.
I have never played the beloved educational video game, Oregon Trail.
I went to private, progressive elementary school. We did shit like leave LA to actually go to Sacramento to study the gold rush. I panned for gold, but I never played that game.
It’s remarkable how often it comes up. I went to public high school and college, so naturally, all my friends are familiar with it – no matter where they’re from. They all have this common bond. I usually just nod and fake laughter when it’s appropriate. But I don’t actually get the jokes, I can’t actually relate.
I also don’t really get why this trailer is probably really, really funny. But I’ll pretend to.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the mystery of life…
If there is one group of people asking to be thrown up against a wall and riddled with high caliber ammunition, it’s guys who carry their acoustic guitars everywhere.
Like modern day Troubadours with only tales of themselves to sing, they have spread across the land. Sitting down to enjoy a cup of joe and a conversation with a friend at your favorite coffee shop? Fuck that, they’ve got something better. Whatever you two were about to discuss couldn’t possibly measure up to their unsolicited musings on life.
Quickly, say whatever you have to say while he clumsily tunes his guitar. Nooo it’s too late, he’s started strumming the thing!
Really though, where do you get off complaining? You’re just another working class drone, slaving away in an office for the beneift of the man. You could never conjour up the same cogent analysis of the short comings of our society that the uninvited musican delivers with every passing note. He merely wants to enhance that dinner with friends you were already looking forward to after your 10 hour day of work and college courses with a little bit of his home made sonic flavoring. So what if it sounds like a go-kart running over rabbits, this is art we’re talking about here!
Been in love? Yes? Well have you written a song about it? I didn’t think so. Whatever it is you’ve done, he’s done it harder. Anything you’ve felt, he’s felt on a deeper and more urgent level. Having a little trouble keeping up with the universal language that is music? Well relax and let him teach you a few lessons up and down the fretboard.
What’s that? You want him to shut the fuck up so you can get back to conversation with your friend? How dare you! This is his art, his heart, and indeed his very soul. Your free time is but a trifle before the spiritual experience you’re about to be a part of. Why, it isn’t like there are millions of these guys just walking around sharing their music to the unwilling and willing a like, don’t be silly!
Oh, and did I mention he’s quite the harmonica prodigy as well?
Boat Dwellers
I’m spending Labor Day weekend on a boat. Boats are pretty awesome for recreation, and totally make great vacation spots for limited periods of time – especially if you’re with T-Pain.
But what about people who opt to live on a boat? These people have a whole blog about it. I had to hit the “page down” button seven times just to get through the most recent post about having a baby on a boat. Apparently living on a boat offers a shit-ton of free time.
These trends aren’t as likely to be noticed if you don’t live in a coastal or lake-centric community; but I do, so here are my observations.
In my experiences between the time I was old enough to drive and into my early 20′s, I’ve noticed a specific trend among people – dudes in particular – who live on boats: they’re lurpy losers. These are guys who have somehow inherited worn out boats, but can’t afford an apartment and no one likes them enough to be their roommate. They invite their buddies over on weeknights (because none of them have real jobs) and they entice underage girls to show up under the pretense that Smirnoff Ice will be served.
In addition to my anecdotal evidence, there are plenty pop-culture nods to these aquatic sleezeballs.
Leon Phelps, The Ladies Man
Famous for his appreciation of Courvoisier and kinky sex advice, I’d definitely listen to his late-night radio program. However, the rotating bed and zebra-print linens on his houseboat are quite the turn off.
Steve Zissou, Captain, The Belafonte
When a very pregnant reporter comes on board, professing that she grew up with Zissou as her hero, Steve tells his B-squad captain, “Not this one, Klaus” essentially claiming a pregnant woman young enough to be his daughter as his next conquest.
Gob Bluth, President (in title only), The Bluth Company
Classics like “A magician never reveals his… I SUNK IT! I SUNK THE YACHT!” and using topless girls as misdirection in his magic tricks make Gob far from the ideal boating candidate. He also thinks Portugal is in South America, so there go his navigation skills.
Pirates
They may be good-looking and ethnically diverse, but common sense should tell you to steer clear of those whose Facebook interests would likely include raping, pillaging, and plundering.
The Navy
‘Nuff said.
Segs for Vets
Twice a week, I drive to Long Beach. Apparently, every Monday afternoon, so does a representative of Segs 4 Vets. This is an organization that claims their goal is to help disabled veterans, and I totally and unconditionally support that. Looking at the website now, it seems like a much more legitimate organization than this wingnut would have you believe, driving around in this vehicle:
The side panel says “6 Reasons Why America’s Free: Army, Navy, Air Force, Coast Guard, National Guard, Marines”. Which begs the question: in that order?
I should also add that I took this photo from my car, in traffic on the 405. And in addition to all this patriotic militaristic paraphernalia, this little pick up was blasting ”Stars and Stripes Forever”. (Which to this day, still makes me hum “be kind to your web footed friends…”)
So at first, I found this pretty harmless. Despite the blind nationalism I typically find kind of scary, this was plain ridiculous – especially with the music. Regardless, if I were an activist associated with Segs 4 Vets, I’d be okay with this dude driving around bringing us publicity.
However, recently, I’ve started to see a similar vehicle in the same area, so I can only assume it’s the same guy.
The text here says:
Beware. I am a domestic terrorist by definition of government beaurocrats[sic]. I love America, the Constitution & Flag. I hate the liberal, socialist agenda. I am vocal about corruption and treason. I want real americans to [??]. I own guns and ammo [??]. Call Homeland In-Security [??] Or the president’s hotline.
The president has a hotline?! And what actually caught my attention at first, was the misspelling of bureaucrats.
Anyway, this is fear-mongering at its finest. ”The liberal, socialist agenda”? Threatening with guns and ammo? Saying that the administration will call you a “domestic terrorist” because you simply disagree with them? I’m no political scientist, but I’m pretty sure that’s not true.
Maybe he’s a terrorist because he has a muppet with a fake gun on the top of his poorly worded sign. But if this dude has actually been labeled a “domestic terrorist” by the government, I’m willing to bet that he earned that title under more severe charges than disliking liberals. Is Glenn Beck a domestic terrorist? To me personally, absolutely; but to “government bureaucrats”? Probably not.
But this is the part of blind, militaristic nationalism that scares me. Not because I actually believe he’s going to commit acts of terrorism, but because people like this exist.
And you know, if I were part of the Segs 4 Vets organization, I would be totally embarrassed by this guy. Unless he’s in, say, the Appalachians, he’s not going to garner much support in Southern California. Take me, for example. I’m liberal, but I am all in favor of getting veterans what they need – be it medical care, education, or segways. However, I’m never, ever going to donate or do anything to associate myself with an organization promoted but nutjobs like this.
And, finally, because I can’t go a post without mentioning Gob Bluth, can anyone take segways seriously in the first place?
MMA & Ed Hardy Wine: Two Brotastic Conversations
I’ve had two conversations today that have set me off on rants. Since I’m way too tired to rewrite all of my clever comments, I’m going to be lazy and copy, paste, and edit. With background info. And links! Even if you don’t read anything I’ve written, it’s worth checking out the links.
I was in Laughlin over the weekend, where I spent a lot of time in a Casino during the UFC 100 fights. A friend sent some UFC-related link to me (that admittedly I haven’t clicked) and has been trying to argue me out of my belief that MMA is mega ultra gay. [Which is cool, you know, just come to terms with it - it plays like gay softcore porn.]
Also today, a different friend informed me that Ed Hardy makes wine now. [Seriously, check out that site - it's just as douchey as those t-shirts.] Oh good, now bros around the world have another opportunity to try and get girls drunk. This information also comes the same day as finding out that Jon Gosselin and his new 22-year-old girlfriend are designing a kids’ line for Christian Audiger (the Ed Hardy designer for anyone with, you know, a life who might not know that).
On MMA…
Jamie: MMA = totally gay. UFC is like the homophobe’s outlet for latent homosexuality: “You turn me on, but that’s gross, so I’m gonna hit you!… then stuff my face in your crotch!”
Derek: Yes, Brock is a homophobe, but you’ve got to pretty secure in your heteroness to do all that. I imagine a gay guy would have a lot of trouble not getting hard grappling.
[I didn't say anything at the time, but looking back, this seems more offensive than any of the over-the-top jokes I've made. Plus, doesn't this just support my point? If this would turn on a guy who was actually gay, doesn't it make the act itself pretty gay?]
Jamie: Hahaha, I forgot his name is Brock. [Picture of his tattoo at link]
Derek: I loved how he talked shit after the fight was over – dude is a born heel.
Jamie: Every now and then the boyfriend and I will have this argument, and I’ll make the point, “We just did that half an hour ago, the only difference was there was no hitting and no shorts.” He has yet to come back with a reasonable argument. It’s mega ultra gay.
Derek: I will say the first time I had a triangle pulled on me, I was eating a girl out. And BJJ may make your love life better. But I don’t think it’s gay.
Jamie: So if you replaced the dude getting humped and put into compromising positions by a big, testosterone-laden, sweaty man with a chick, would you be turned on?
Derek: Not really – I don’t do the whole domination porn thing. [But a lot of people do.] Sometimes I prefer to look at it like two crabs fighting. It’s two members of the same species trying to kill each other using whatever means they can, sans ball shots and eye pokes and a few others.
Jamie: They cheat. They have exoskeletons.
Derek: I love seeing what fighting style beats what.
Jamie: So… like Rock Paper Scissors.
Derek: The ultimate game of Rock Paper Scissors because you can switch from one to the other at any time. Your paper might over my rock, but I got a rock too and scissors like a motherfucker.
Jamie: … more like “bend over, my ‘paper’ is going to over your ‘rock’.” If they were just hitting each other, it would be one thing, but wrapping their legs around each other, etc. etc. they typically look like they’re embracing. And humping. Or one is bent over – or rather – they both are. One is just more submissive – the “bottom”, if you will.
Derek: When it’s wrapped around one leg it’s called half guard – that’s where Lesnar and Mir spent the majority of the fight.
Jamie: Funny – that’s where I spent most of Saturday night. [This isn't true, I spent most of Saturday night gambling from a seated position.]
Derek: Why not rub in the fact that you’re getting laid on a routine basis some more HUH? Do you know why the Brazilians call a rear naked choke ‘mata leon’? Because it’s the only way to kill a lion.
Jamie: Naked?
Derek: BJJ was invented so smaller people could beat bigger people and animals – didn’t quite work last night. [The naked situation remains a mystery]
Jamie: Worked just fine at my house last night!
Derek: Anyway, girls do MMA too, does that mean they’re all secret lesbians?
Jamie: Assuming they’re lesbians enforces the stereotype that big, strong women are lesbians. Plus, lesbians don’t really have sex like that.
Derek: I believe ‘scissoring’ is quite common and kind of looks like they’re both trying to pull guard on each other.
Jamie: Okay, sure, that could be gay.
In summary, MMA is really gay with tons of stupid tattoos. I’m giving myself the win in this argument.
In other brolated news, Ed Hardy makes wine.
Tyler: Did you know that the Ed Hardy label makes wine too?
Jamie: Oh jesus, really? ”Pair our delicious wines with your favorite tattoos. The Merlot goes great with tribal armbands.”
Tyler: Wow, that really struck a chord, didn’t it?
Jamie: I could go on.
Tyler: But yes, I was in Whole Foods the other day and noticed the Douche Central wine display
Jamie: The last time I went wine tasting, I overheard this giant bro telling his girlfriend “this [red wine] would go great with a steak”
Tyler: Um, most red wine does go with steak. Also depends on what kind of wine it is. That bro needed an education.
Jamie: Ed Hardy Wine: Getting You Laid Since 2009.
Tyler: I’m surprised he didn’t say it would also go well with his pierced johnson.
Jamie: “Hey babe, isn’t wine an aphro.. affro… affrodisi-whatever it’s called? Whatever, I’m gettin’ turned on. Let’s go make out in my raised truck.”
Tyler: As if they couldn’t get douchier, Jon from Jon and Kate Plus 8 is designing a clothing line for them.
Jamie: … with his 22-year-old girlfriend. I’m 24, and a dude with ONE kid is a dealbreaker, but EIGHT?!
Tyler: Clearly Jon’s motto is for Kate to watch the kids from now on. And maybe his girlfriend will get famous enough while they’re together so that when they break up she can have a reality show. And she’s the second 20-something he’s dated.
Jamie: Well he’s only like 32. Was the last one under 25? And seriously, let’s be real here, he’s totally balding, right? Everyone has just been distracted by how bad Kate’s hair is. [My friend recently saw her on a plane and all she could talk about was how bad her hair was]
The rest of this conversation is about how reprehensible the show is, etc. etc. but that’s a blog entry for another day.
Sarkozy confused about “submission”, “freedom”
French President Nicholas Sarkozy’s a progressive guy, you know? He’s all into respecting women and shit, which is why he addressed the French Parliament – for the first time since Napoleon did it in the 19th Century (and we all know how down-to-earth that guy was) – to tell them that this Muslim burqa shit is totally lame. And they should start forcing women to stop being so submissive.
According to Sarkozy, the burqa is a symbol of women’s oppression. Which, in a sense, it is… if you’re in Iran or Saudi Arabia, where women are required by law to wear it. The fact that it is mandated is what makes it oppressive, not the garment itself. In France, Muslim women can wear whatever the fuck they want, as can all its citizens. It’s France, for fucks sake.
From what I understand, in and of itself, the burqa is a traditional Muslim garment symbolizing something religious – not necessarily female submission. Sarkozy disagrees with me:
“The issue of the burqa is not a religious issue; it is a question of freedom and of women’s dignity,” Mr. Sarkozy said. “The burqa is not a religious sign; it is a sign of the subjugation, of the submission of women.”
Regardless of whether I’m correct of Mr. Sarkozy is, it’s not up to the President of France or some secular American chick to make that distinction. As with any religion or religious act, what it symbolizes should ultimately be up to the individual who practices it.
Restricting the burqa’s presence is taking away a Muslim woman’s right to choose how she expresses herself and her religion. One way or another, requiring that a burqa is worn or requiring that it’s not, the government is dictating what she can or cannot wear – giving her no choice but to submit. If, as Sarkozy says, it’s a question of “freedom” – restricting the presence of the burqa is inhibiting Muslim women’s freedom, not promoting it.
So STFU, Mr. Sarkozy, mind your own business, and focus on something that does promote women’s rights and freedoms.
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