Sick on a Sunday

The Oatacolypse Part I

Posted in Conspiracy Theories by jamie on April 15, 2009

“Your flesh is a relic, a mere vessel. Hand over your flesh and a new world awaits you. I demand it.”

-The Quaker Oats Man speaking at the UN on December 4th 2011.


It started innocuously enough, a simple bill board ad on the back of an MTA bus here, a confusing magazine spread there, not a one of us could have anticipated what was coming though. We simply lived our lives, blissfully unaware of the storm just over the horizon. Too wrapped up in our sitcoms and celebrity feuds to pay heed to the signs right in front of us. Horses started dying worldwide and the CDC simply blamed it on a new strain of flu named “Mr. ED.” Funny, the ease with which humor comes when you’re not on the chopping block.

The night it began I went to bed with an Uzi under my pillow, call it madness, but as I awoke to those empty eyes and that wide brim black hat standing over me, I knew it was providence. Instinct took hold and I emptied a clip into his face. Leaping out of my bed as his now faceless frame collapsed to the ground, I rushed to the window and tore down the curtains. Dawn, but the soft light of a familiar sunrise was nowhere to be found. I looked up and saw them floating to the ground by the thousands. Each one identical, each one wearing a black executioners hat. We had sown our own downfall with our complacency, and they had come to reap the harvest.

I turned to head for the door, only to find him standing there, a whirlwind of oats swirling his head, obscuring his face as they came together. I loaded another clip into my weapon. His face now restored he locked eyes with me, he didn’t speak, but I could hear him in my head. “Go human go,” he whispered.

I raised my weapon

“I hate oatmeal.”

I squeezed the trigger.

to be continued.

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