Sick on a Sunday

“THAT guy” orders drinks

Posted in Things That Don't Own by jamiemarie on September 1, 2009

Everyone knows at least one of THOSE guys.  The guy who gets really trashed and makes embarrassing – but not funny – speeches at weddings.  The guy who just pops into every single photo, whether or not he’s invited.  The guy who persistently challenges whoever’s closest to bar games.  The guy constantly trying to one-up your college partying stories.  The guy who will constantly remind you about how great he is at snowboarding, how fluent he is in French, how much better he understands Nietzsche than you, all the dart league championships he’s won, how he’ll totally school you at Guitar Hero, why he didn’t finish college because those professors totally don’t know what they’re talking about.

I am not a bartender.  However, if I was a bartender, THAT guy ordering drinks would bug the shit out of me.  Because this is how he does it…

1. To bartender, upon arrival, after waiting for 3 other people to be served: “Can I have a double Jack and Coke?”

2. To friends, upon receiving drink: “Man, the bartender hooked me up! This shit is so strong!”

3. To friends, upon finishing half of his drink: “Bro, I’ve got a pretty good buzz goin’.  The bartender totally knows me so he made my drink, like, half Jack!”

4. To friends, mid-drink: “Bro, check this shit out, bro.  Man this shit is harsh!  But me and the bartender are chill like that.”

5. To friends, upon finishing drink: “Yeah, dudes, I’m a regular here, so [bartender’s name] knows I can handle my shit and totally hooked it up.”

6. To bartender, with whom he is now on a first-name basis: “Hey Joe!  How ya doin’, bro?  Hook me up with another one of those Jack and Cokes, strong, you know how I like it.”

7. To friends, upon receiving second drink: “Joe and me are homies, we go way back since I come here so much.  You guys want a drink, tell Joe you know me, he’ll hook it up!”

… and so on.  These are the kinds of guys that probably stop tipping the bartender eventually because they’re so “tight” that they’re totally buddies and the drink is really just his buddy doing him a solid.  So now the friendly neighborhood bartender is not only not getting tipped, his embarrassment is totally growing as this douche bag blabs on and on about some friendship he never realized they had.

In summary, don’t be that guy.


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