Sick on a Sunday

Some Facts About Unicorns

Posted in Things That Own by jamiemarie on September 9, 2010

Why unicorns, right now, when I should be working?

My unicorn research today started with this, courtesy of

Then later, I found this:

Which honestly I find kind of depressing.  I mean, I’m all for pursuing your dreams, but that rhino just is never going to be a unicorn.  It’s heartbreaking.

I sent the first photo to just about everyone who’ll talk to me.  A friend queried about how the unicorn managed to survive under RoboCop’s massive, metal weight.

“Magic,” I told him.  “Duh.”

The face I made at my gmail screen was one of dude, everybody knows that, but I found I couldn’t specify the magical properties of unicorns.  So I did some research.

My findings: Interesting Facts About Unicorns

  • They can only be tamed by virgins.  And the horn can act as an aphrodisiac.  I suppose that’s because it’s vaguely phallic? Whatever the reason, unicorns definitely have the sexxxxy advantage over other horned animals?  The rhino, for example, really drew the short straw on that one.
  • They are not kosher. They have cloven hooves, so don’t eat them, Jews.
  • They protect the forest from intelligent creatures.  In D&D, that is.
  • They can make someone go from “mostly dead” to alive. [wtf is this warning? “Beginner warning: Details follow which you may not wish to read at your current level.” Is a Harry Potter wiki questioning my reading level?]
  • Their horn neutralizes poisons.  I wonder what it can do for Bret Michaels.
  • Something about Mozart.  Because he dressed like a unicorn in Amadeus?
  • Uh, this. Featuring great animated gifs and… a 9/11 tribute?

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