Sick on a Sunday

Bruce finds love in Gandalf the White

Posted in The Ladies, Things That Own by jamie on February 10, 2011
Nico & Bruce

Bruce & Nico

Well, after about 5 days, these two are in love.

Naturally, she wants nothing to do with me.

It was love-at-first-sight for Bruce. I was initially hesitant to find him a girlfriend because he’d had a somewhat rocky past of companion animals. Turns out, he is one needy little rabbit.

He was so in love, in fact, that the only trouble I had bonding them is that, despite lacking the proper equipment, he kept humping her. Apparently she is just not that kind of girl.

Well, he’s stopped that, and in true girlfriend fashion, she is all into grooming him. She may have picked this up from me constantly telling the boyfriend, “You have shit on your face.”

Her name is Nico, if I dyed her pink, she’d look like Animal from the Muppets. As is, she looks like Gandalf the White. If she ever warms up to me, you best believe I’m putting bows in her hair.

Gandalf the White

Gandalf the White





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Valentine’s Day is for single people

Posted in Random Rants, The Ladies by jamie on January 17, 2011

Take this opportunity to make your dog some pink pajamas.

When you’re single, there’s no pressure on Valentine’s Day. There’s no one to disappoint, no expectations of flowers and chocolates, no money to be spent on plush hearts, no delaying break ups for a day, no trying to act nonchalant about it, and so on.

No matter what your Facebook relationship status is, Valentine’s Day is a problem. You’re either constantly reminded that you’re single, or you’re basically setting yourself up to be by not sufficiently meeting your partner’s expectations. There are definitely those people who go out of their way to turn Valentine’s Day into a thing and try and “say something” about how they tackle these problems.

First, there are the Singles’ Awareness Day folks. They bother me not so much for the mountains of self pity they heap upon themselves, but for thinking they’ve come up with a really clever anagram.

However, no matter how much these people feel sorry for themselves, it’s nothing compared to the Just Went Through a Break-up crowd.  To be fair, whereas it shouldn’t suck to be reminded that you’re not in a relationship, it does suck to be constantly reminded that you’re no longer in a relationship. Instead of telling a friend something constructive like, “Hey, I’m still bummed out and this Valentine’s Day shit isn’t helping, let’s go get tacos,” they spend all day reminding themselves about their lost love. “This was his favorite song!” “She drove a Toyota Corolla too!” “On Mondays we used to snuggle and tell each other how much we wuv each other.” “Last Valentine’s Day we went to the moon.” And so on.

Before they broke up, those people were responsible for Facebook Displays of Affection. Posting shit like “zomg I’m so in love with [name] forever and ever and ever ❤ ❤ <3” is like writing his name all over your Trapper Keeper. They get infinitely worse if throughout the day, they keep updating about all the fabulous things their significant other has done for them, “He sprayed air freshener after he pooped so I wouldn’t have to smell it, awwwww,” “He told me he loved me 2349873209823 times already! Oh, make that 2349873209824!” “He’s boiling pasta for me! Best BF EVER!” It’s like the girl on Tool Academy who, in all sincerity, was so shocked and impressed when her boyfriend made her Caesar Salad.

So what are your alternatives, whether you’re single or in a relationship? How do you avoid being a huge douche-monkey about something that sort of sucks already?

Well, don’t be all “I hate Valentine’s Day, it’s just a Hallmark holiday,” because you sound just as bitter as the SAD kids, and are likely totally in the same boat yourself. If you are genuinely pissed because it’s a holiday that brings revenue primarily to greeting card companies and chocolate peddlers, you probably also think Christmas is too commercialized and that Arbor Day isn’t a perfectly reasonable excuse to get drunk.  You’re also probably an asshole.

If you’re single, Valentine’s Day is pretty much the best day of the year to go out and hook up with a stranger. Not because you need to get your mind off being single, but just because it’s the easiest day to get it on. Think about it, all the couples will be spending time together in awkward “romantic” settings, freeing up the bars for the singles-and-ready-to-mingle crowd.

If having sex with strangers isn’t your thing, the holiday is a great excuse to get your friends together to eat candy and watch guilty pleasure romantic comedies.  Or porn, whatever your style is. I feel both genres are appropriate. I’m pretty sure softcore porn covers both rom-com and porn genres if you can’t decide.

Spending Valentine’s Day single is, in fact, more fun than if you’re dating someone. You don’t even have to worry  about it until, like, the night before, you don’t have to buy anyone anything, and you don’t have to worry about any of the, uh, physiological issues associated with too much wine. 

But what if you are in a relationship? It’s not hopeless! YOU’RE GONNA GET LAID! I’m going to assume you actually enjoy spending time with your partner, so just do it. As long as no party is totally insane, you shouldn’t be expected to do anything completely ostentatious. So act like you’re single – make dinner, watch a rom-com or porn or softcore porn – and then get it on.

Pet Stores: the new farmers’ market?

Posted in Random Rants, The Ladies by jamie on December 15, 2010

Bruce lets me know that his hay is so insufficient that he will only rest his feet on soft towels.

I sent the boyfriend to Centinela the other night for bunny pellets and hay.

He came back thrilled because women talked to him, and thus “totally hit on” him.

It sounded like another customer noticed him with her eyes and the clerk asked him friendly questions about his rabbit.  His storytelling sounded like normal, friendly pet store banter to me.

Are pet stores the new farmers’ market when it comes to picking up harmless men?

(Incidentally, I had a male employee from that same Centinela insist on carrying the hay I’d just purchased to my car once.  Figured it was store policy or something.)

I went to the 2010 Women’s Conference and all I got was this giant bag of free shit

Posted in Random Rants, The Ladies by jamie on October 29, 2010

Every year, the company I work for attends the California Women’s Conference in Long Beach, put on by the First Lady of California.  Since we’re California, our First Lady is Maria Shriver and boy-oh-boy does that lady have connections.  The following is an email I wrote to my mom, in response to, “How was the conference?”

It was long and crowded!  But some great, high-profile speakers.

I guess this is sort of demeaning, but Justice Ginsberg and Justice O’Connor are such cute little old ladies!  I mean, their discussion (with Diane Sawyer) was great and they had a lot of interesting things to say – but Justice Ginsberg even had gloves on!  And they both came on stage with their purses!  It was so cute.  They seem like the nicest people and they had nothing but nice things to say about their colleagues.  They had a video of Justices Kagan and Sotomayor thanking them and sharing their experiences with the first two Supreme Court ladies, it was really nice.

Michelle Obama was boring, frankly.  She gave the same speech she gives everywhere and after the terribly organized two-tiered security, just wasn’t worth it.  If you were in a section close to the stage, you had to go through Secret Service!  They had ONE metal detector for a few thousand people.  Took me over an hour to get to my seat.  Standing in a big crowd for an hour made me go, “Well, I’m not a security threat now… but I’m about to be.”

Dr. Jill Biden was more interesting, and said a wider variety of stuff.  I didn’t expect to see her speak, but I was glad she did.

Laura Bush was surprisingly really entertaining.  She was really witty and self-deprecating, and her speech wasn’t at all politically charged.  She was lighthearted and it was clear she didn’t take herself so seriously, which wasn’t at all what I expected because she looks like a Stepford Wife.  I’ve always been sort of terrified of her.

Oprah got super preachy, especially to a group of middle-aged white women.  Although I suppose that’s her audience.  It was a nice intro to her history and all the good stuff she’s done for communities and in South Africa (you know, minus those teachers who were molesting the girls, but they didn’t mention that).  But when she got into saying things like, “When you ask God for a miracle, and you do see one, readjust your perception!”  Yeah, Oprah, tell that to Africa.  I was also disappointed I wasn’t given a free car or anything.

Brian Williams was really funny, but the dudes he spoke with – the president (founder?) of Nike, the CEO (founder?) of Starbucks, and Nick Kristof (NYT reporter) – were sorta weird.  Well, except Nick Kristof, who had genuinely interesting things to say.  The other two were just there for PR coverage and were obviously sort of uncomfortable about it.

Eve Ensler (a poet, and the author of the Vagina Monologues) sort of just shouted at us for 30 minutes about cancer and rape, so that was fun.  She was there last year before she was diagnosed with cancer, and she sort of just shouted at us for 30 minutes about her vagina.  Like, I get that these are important topics, and appreciate the courage it takes to talk to 14,000 people about it, and I understand what she’s trying to do.  But does she have to be so shouty?

Mary Olliver, another poet, read some poems and was just another super cute old lady.  I don’t really like poems, but hers were more or less straightforward and still beautifully written, with subject matter everyone can relate to.  And she had a poem about her dog eating a book, so that was nice.  Maria Shriver said in her introduction that she’d been trying to get Mary Olliver there since the very first conference, but she’d never shown.  When she got up, she said something to the effect of, “What Maria doesn’t know is that I’ve always intended on coming.  I’ve just been walking.”

Oh my, and then the big to-do.  First, Matt Lauer spoke alone with the current governor.  Arnold Schwarzenegger (whose last name my boss recently misspelled “Swartznigger” – as if he’s a black jew) is obviously comfortable in front of a lot of people, and he’s incredibly articulate about how he felt now that he’s about to leave office.  He talked about his approach to politics, his commitment to bipartisanship, and what he did and didn’t accomplish.  He seemed very passionate.

Then Meg Whitman and Jerry Brown joined the conversation.  Matt Lauer was very clear from the beginning that it wasn’t a debate, they weren’t here to really discuss the campaign, but it was more of a discussion about California and its future.  This apparently did not register to either candidate, although Jerry Brown came off a lot more fluidly and congenially.  But then again, he’s like the Joe Biden of state politics: an old man who just doesn’t give a shit what he says anymore (don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Joe Biden, and I love crazy old men who just don’t give shits).  Meg Whitman sort of just spouted campaign points, which was boring, and which we’ve all heard before.

[Before I go on, I should say that while I’m voting for Jerry Brown, it’s only because Meg Whitman is a real shit.  I don’t particularly like him, but she’s way worse.  I mean, I’ve been voting longer than she has, and she’s old enough to by my mom.  I’d like a governor who cared a little more about politics, thankyouverymuch.]

Then it got interesting when Matt Lauer was like, “There’s been a lot of negativity throughout this campaign season, you’ve got 6 more days until election day, would you be willing to take down all your negative ads?”  Brown was basically like, “I will if she will.”  And Whitman was like, “WAAAAHHHH MY FEELINGS ARE HURT!” But neither really answered the question.  I got the impression that Whitman couldn’t commit to anything without the advice of her campaign manager.  But eventually, she kept trying to weasel her way out of it, saying things like, “Well, I’ll pull anything that could even remotely be construed as a personal attack, but I think it’s important that people know Jerry Brown’s record, blah blah blah.”

Then the ladies in the audience got pissed.  Like, really pissed.  They booed her and I was genuinely concerned they were going to riot.  Then, a crazy lady sitting somewhere behind me (in the nosebleeds) shouted, “GET BACK TO THE WOMEN, WE DON’T CARE ABOUT POLITICS.”  Which (1) shut up lady, I care about politics, and (2) implies she doesn’t think women really have a place in politics.  The general anger in the room after Whitman refused is the part you probably missed in any of the coverage.

And on a personal note, it seems unfair for Whitman to be all “but his record must be shown!” when she has no record to speak of.  If he could do the same – and just run ads that feature her history, he couldn’t, because she has none.  So that’s totally not a compromise.   Not interested in politicians who are incapable of coming to a fair(ish) compromise.

Brown even tried to convince her, saying, “I have an ad where I just look at the camera and say what I intend to do.  You have a very nice ad where you do the same thing.  Let’s pull the others and just run those.”  But no dice.  She has since released a statement saying she will not pull any ads.  Arnold did a very nice job closing the conversation by saying very nice things about each candidate – that if she was elected, she’d be the first woman, and that if he was elected we could use his experience.  Or something like that, but it was very nice and he made a very good mediator.

Anyway, those were all the notable speakers.  My “breakout conversation” sessions weren’t that interesting and I only remember about half the people on any of the panels.  Rosario Dawson dropped an f-bomb, but that’s what stands out the most.

That’s about it! I got a lot of free stuff.  Do you need any reusable grocery bags?  How about a tape measure keychain?  Or a keychain that’s a compass, a whistle, and a light?  No, just kidding, I want that one.

Maybe if I’m not feeling so lazy later, I’ll update with photos.