Sick on a Sunday

Valentine’s Day is for single people

Posted in Random Rants, The Ladies by jamie on January 17, 2011

Take this opportunity to make your dog some pink pajamas.

When you’re single, there’s no pressure on Valentine’s Day. There’s no one to disappoint, no expectations of flowers and chocolates, no money to be spent on plush hearts, no delaying break ups for a day, no trying to act nonchalant about it, and so on.

No matter what your Facebook relationship status is, Valentine’s Day is a problem. You’re either constantly reminded that you’re single, or you’re basically setting yourself up to be by not sufficiently meeting your partner’s expectations. There are definitely those people who go out of their way to turn Valentine’s Day into a thing and try and “say something” about how they tackle these problems.

First, there are the Singles’ Awareness Day folks. They bother me not so much for the mountains of self pity they heap upon themselves, but for thinking they’ve come up with a really clever anagram.

However, no matter how much these people feel sorry for themselves, it’s nothing compared to the Just Went Through a Break-up crowd.  To be fair, whereas it shouldn’t suck to be reminded that you’re not in a relationship, it does suck to be constantly reminded that you’re no longer in a relationship. Instead of telling a friend something constructive like, “Hey, I’m still bummed out and this Valentine’s Day shit isn’t helping, let’s go get tacos,” they spend all day reminding themselves about their lost love. “This was his favorite song!” “She drove a Toyota Corolla too!” “On Mondays we used to snuggle and tell each other how much we wuv each other.” “Last Valentine’s Day we went to the moon.” And so on.

Before they broke up, those people were responsible for Facebook Displays of Affection. Posting shit like “zomg I’m so in love with [name] forever and ever and ever ❤ ❤ <3” is like writing his name all over your Trapper Keeper. They get infinitely worse if throughout the day, they keep updating about all the fabulous things their significant other has done for them, “He sprayed air freshener after he pooped so I wouldn’t have to smell it, awwwww,” “He told me he loved me 2349873209823 times already! Oh, make that 2349873209824!” “He’s boiling pasta for me! Best BF EVER!” It’s like the girl on Tool Academy who, in all sincerity, was so shocked and impressed when her boyfriend made her Caesar Salad.

So what are your alternatives, whether you’re single or in a relationship? How do you avoid being a huge douche-monkey about something that sort of sucks already?

Well, don’t be all “I hate Valentine’s Day, it’s just a Hallmark holiday,” because you sound just as bitter as the SAD kids, and are likely totally in the same boat yourself. If you are genuinely pissed because it’s a holiday that brings revenue primarily to greeting card companies and chocolate peddlers, you probably also think Christmas is too commercialized and that Arbor Day isn’t a perfectly reasonable excuse to get drunk.  You’re also probably an asshole.

If you’re single, Valentine’s Day is pretty much the best day of the year to go out and hook up with a stranger. Not because you need to get your mind off being single, but just because it’s the easiest day to get it on. Think about it, all the couples will be spending time together in awkward “romantic” settings, freeing up the bars for the singles-and-ready-to-mingle crowd.

If having sex with strangers isn’t your thing, the holiday is a great excuse to get your friends together to eat candy and watch guilty pleasure romantic comedies.  Or porn, whatever your style is. I feel both genres are appropriate. I’m pretty sure softcore porn covers both rom-com and porn genres if you can’t decide.

Spending Valentine’s Day single is, in fact, more fun than if you’re dating someone. You don’t even have to worry  about it until, like, the night before, you don’t have to buy anyone anything, and you don’t have to worry about any of the, uh, physiological issues associated with too much wine. 

But what if you are in a relationship? It’s not hopeless! YOU’RE GONNA GET LAID! I’m going to assume you actually enjoy spending time with your partner, so just do it. As long as no party is totally insane, you shouldn’t be expected to do anything completely ostentatious. So act like you’re single – make dinner, watch a rom-com or porn or softcore porn – and then get it on.