MMA & Ed Hardy Wine: Two Brotastic Conversations

I’ve had two conversations today that have set me off on rants.  Since I’m way too tired to rewrite all of my clever comments, I’m going to be lazy and copy, paste, and edit.  With background info.  And links!  Even if you don’t read anything I’ve written, it’s worth checking out the links.

I was in Laughlin over the weekend, where I spent a lot of time in a Casino during the UFC 100 fights.  A friend sent some UFC-related link to me (that admittedly I haven’t clicked) and has been trying to argue me out of my belief that MMA is mega ultra gay.  [Which is cool, you know, just come to terms with it – it plays like gay softcore porn.]

Also today, a different friend informed me that Ed Hardy makes wine now.  [Seriously, check out that site – it’s just as douchey as those t-shirts.]  Oh good, now bros around the world have another opportunity to try and get girls drunk.  This information also comes the same day as finding out that Jon Gosselin and his new 22-year-old girlfriend are designing a kids’ line for Christian Audiger (the Ed Hardy designer for anyone with, you know, a life who might not know that).

On MMA…

Jamie: MMA = totally gay.  UFC is like the homophobe’s outlet for latent homosexuality: “You turn me on, but that’s gross, so I’m gonna hit you!… then stuff my face in your crotch!”

Derek: Yes, Brock is a homophobe, but you’ve got to pretty secure in your heteroness to do all that.  I imagine a gay guy would have a lot of trouble not getting hard grappling.
[I didn’t say anything at the time, but looking back, this seems more offensive than any of the over-the-top jokes I’ve made.  Plus, doesn’t this just support my point?  If this would turn on a guy who was actually gay, doesn’t it make the act itself pretty gay?]

Jamie: Hahaha, I forgot his name is Brock.  [Picture of his tattoo at link]

Derek: I loved how he talked shit after the fight was over – dude is a born heel.

Jamie: Every now and then the boyfriend and I will have this argument, and I’ll make the point, “We just did that half an hour ago, the only difference was there was no hitting and no shorts.” He has yet to come back with a reasonable argument.  It’s mega ultra gay.

Derek: I will say the first time I had a triangle pulled on me, I was eating a girl out.  And BJJ may make your love life better.  But I don’t think it’s gay.

Jamie: So if you replaced the dude getting humped and put into compromising positions by a big, testosterone-laden, sweaty man with a chick, would you be turned on?

Derek:  Not really – I don’t do the whole domination porn thing. [But a lot of people do.]  Sometimes I prefer to look at it like two crabs fighting.  It’s two members of the same species trying to kill each other using whatever means they can, sans ball shots and eye pokes and a few others.

Jamie: They cheat.  They have exoskeletons.

Derek: I love seeing what fighting style beats what.

Jamie: So… like Rock Paper Scissors.

Derek: The ultimate game of Rock Paper Scissors because you can switch from one to the other at any time.  Your paper might over my rock, but I got a rock too and scissors like a motherfucker.

Jamie: … more like “bend over, my ‘paper’ is going to over your ‘rock’.”  If they were just hitting each other, it would be one thing, but wrapping their legs around each other, etc. etc. they typically look like they’re embracing.  And humping.  Or one is bent over – or rather – they both are.  One is just more submissive – the “bottom”, if you will.

Derek: When it’s wrapped around one leg it’s called half guard – that’s where Lesnar and Mir spent the majority of the fight.

Jamie: Funny – that’s where I spent most of Saturday night. [This isn’t true, I spent most of Saturday night gambling from a seated position.]

Derek: Why not rub in the fact that you’re getting laid on a routine basis some more HUH?  Do you know why the Brazilians call a rear naked choke ‘mata leon’?  Because it’s the only way to kill a lion.

Jamie: Naked?

Derek: BJJ was invented so smaller people could beat bigger people and animals – didn’t quite work last night. [The naked situation remains a mystery]

Jamie: Worked just fine at my house last night!

Derek: Anyway, girls do MMA too, does that mean they’re all secret lesbians?

Jamie: Assuming they’re lesbians enforces the stereotype that big, strong women are lesbians.  Plus, lesbians don’t really have sex like that.

Derek: I believe ‘scissoring’ is quite common and kind of looks like they’re both trying to pull guard on each other.

Jamie: Okay, sure, that could be gay.

In summary, MMA is really gay with tons of stupid tattoos.  I’m giving myself the win in this argument.

In other brolated news, Ed Hardy makes wine.

Tyler: Did you know that the Ed Hardy label makes wine too?

Jamie: Oh jesus, really?  “Pair our delicious wines with your favorite tattoos.  The Merlot goes great with tribal armbands.”

Tyler: Wow, that really struck a chord, didn’t it?

Jamie: I could go on.

Tyler: But yes, I was in Whole Foods the other day and noticed the Douche Central wine display

Jamie: The last time I went wine tasting, I overheard this giant bro telling his girlfriend “this [red wine] would go great with a steak”

Tyler: Um, most red wine does go with steak.  Also depends on what kind of wine it is.  That bro needed an education.  

Jamie: Ed Hardy Wine: Getting You Laid Since 2009.

Tyler: I’m surprised he didn’t say it would also go well with his pierced johnson.

Jamie: “Hey babe, isn’t wine an aphro.. affro… affrodisi-whatever it’s called?  Whatever, I’m gettin’ turned on.  Let’s go make out in my raised truck.”

Tyler: As if they couldn’t get douchier, Jon from Jon and Kate Plus 8 is designing a clothing line for them.

Jamie: … with his 22-year-old girlfriend.  I’m 24, and a dude with ONE kid is a dealbreaker, but EIGHT?!

Tyler: Clearly Jon’s motto is for Kate to watch the kids from now on.  And maybe his girlfriend will get famous enough while they’re together so that when they break up she can have a reality show.  And she’s the second 20-something he’s dated.

Jamie: Well he’s only like 32.  Was the last one under 25?  And seriously, let’s be real here, he’s totally balding, right?  Everyone has just been distracted by how bad Kate’s hair is.  [My friend recently saw her on a plane and all she could talk about was how bad her hair was]

The rest of this conversation is about how reprehensible the show is, etc. etc. but that’s a blog entry for another day.